The power of Mantras.
Raised with the firm notion that sex = love and love = sex, I never questioned the issue until, at 38, the doors of my sexuality were unlocked. He was young, gorgeous and volatile. Though we only touched the surface of each other’s being, the impact was overwhelming. The year was 1999. I was a single mom living on the island of Bali with my 6 year old daughter Xenia whose father had died four years before.
I had been single ever since and now I wanted to find a playmate to explore some more.
“You never know, better find something else to do” I replied. I had learned to adopt a pragmatic attitude from living in Bali for 13 years.”.
Noticing his blank expression I explained: “Electricity could be off for a while.
In Bali, any sense of urgency is pointless. Learn to live with it, or leave”.
He jumped up: “Do you actually live here?”
He reminded me of the curious fact that I never really mingled with tourists.
“I do…” I replied and added politely, feigning interest: “…so where do you stay?”
” I live in a small room at the compound of a Balinese Family”
“Nice..” I replied automatically.
He said: “I travel low budget and play guitar in restaurants. They’ll give me free food and I get tips from the guests”.
The words left my mouth before my brain even registered. These very words that would change everything, that would determine a major part of my life, give me temporary hardship and endless happiness: I exclaimed: “My God, what a loser you are!”
I regretted them the same moment I uttered them. He might be a tender sensitive soul I had just hurt with my big mouth. “Sorry, I’m so sorry, sorry!” I tried undoing my insult. But the damage was done. I tried to cover my embarrassment by inviting him in for a drink.
I’m not entirely sure of my inner motives, but at some point, I proposed to make out. I always thought my initiative was to cover my faux pas which had kept bothering me all along but perhaps I was just eager to have a friend to play with and he seemed safe enough. But whatever my reasons were to have sex, he was hesitant. Paul said sex without love would not work for him and he was not in love with me. I was not in love with him either, but luckily I had a solution.
I was convinced love could be created by means of mantra: “Just repeat ‘I love you’ long enough and it will work” I insisted. He smiled at my naive innocence and I started with a mere ‘I love you’ in return. He drank his coffee and I said ‘I love you’. He’d get up to leave and I’d jump up and down in front of him repeating “I love you, I love you, I love you”. And I swear, I created love.
It became radiant, powerful and overwhelming. And the sex was great. Better than ever before! My doors were opened with entire new rules to the game. Paul made me play with myself which I had never done for anyone, he broke my inhibitions to surrender to him and have orgasms. At age 38, I finally discovered sex. And it was great.
Interestingly I was not keen to see him perform in one of those restaurants, for I expected mediocrity. In fact, he turned out to be quite a skilled guitar player with beautiful own songs.
Don’t ever underestimate one’s first impressions. They predict the future. After 14 years living in Bali I moved back to Holland and I fell pregnant with Paul as soon as he joined me.
I had initially qualified him as a loser, he set that reputation when he left me pregnant, never to return. Paul neither contributed to our life nor bothered us. He left me the most wonderful son one could ever imagine and I never regretted for one day whatever consequences this has had for my life.
Now the point of this story is that mantras work. Both ways. In the same way I created love, I see people creating unhappiness by their own doing.
So I am writing this to my sweet daughter who mantras herself not to be loved by her mother while I stand helplessly to the side of her personal game. And I know she will not read this until I am dead because she is simply too recalcitrant to accept anything I say. But I love her, of course, and I think she’s a wonderful person who needs to find her own ways.
And I am writing this to a friend, who touched me and whom I saw mantra-ing himself into being incapable of any relationship. Though it is none of my business and it will never be, I’d like to shout at him: “lose the mantra!” For he is truly one of he sweetest and most intelligent people I have ever met and I am sure he’d be happily matched with a beautiful girl if he cleared his mind of this mantra. Not that I am convinced a relationship is so ultimately preferable but just because continuously projecting some negative self image is fundamentally harmful.
And if I reach neither of them, which is most likely the case, then please let me reach anyone who reads this. Let me urge you to rid yourself of your subconscious mantras, those self-inflicted ones or those that other people have been brow-beating you with. Both the positive and the negative ones. Either one I consider potentially harmful. The same way that telling yourself you’re worthless is not healthy, it is also not clever to tell yourself you’re absolutely fabulous all the time. You would make yourself intolerable to the rest of the world.
Replace your hidden mantras by deliberate ones to shape your life and your environment. Love fearlessly and live your life fully for we’ve only got one of those(that we know of) and time drags us forwards towards a shorter life every day.
Finally, after 10 years had passed, Paul contacted me first with a shy e-mail, then with some telephone calls. Willem had absolutely no concept of what to say to his father, but Paul persevered. By now, they have installed skype and the other day, I witnessed how they, with their computer screens aimed at their instruments, were playing music together: Paul(55) on his guitar in Houston, Willem(11) on the piano in Utrecht. They still have never met in person but the very thing I had ignored throughout my relationship with Paul, makes these two men connect: music.
Though it bears no relation to mantras, I thought it would make a nice end to the story. Because it is true.
If, for some reason, you might like to contribute to my life you may do so here.